Missing Part Of Me

Ok so I know how I said earlier that I don't think my dad should have me in his life and that I don't feel like he's ready for a daughter. But, you know maybe if I talked to him one last time. Maybe if I seeked his help one last time... Maybe he could help me find something that no one has ever been able to help me find. You see lately I've felt like there's this missing part inside of me. And I have no clue what it is. I mean I have a great boyfriend. A family that I'm not always cool with but I still love them (no matter how crazy they get). Two beautiful little sisters, and two little brothers whom I've never met but I'm sure they're great too. An aunt who's always there for me, to give me advice, which, whether I like it or not is most of the time right. I have best friends I would lay down my life for. So, what's missing? I mean, even though I probably shouldn't have, I've started cutting myself again. And my family doesn't know I do this... The only people that know I do this are my dad, and my friends. But, in some ways I feel like the cutting helps fill the empty spot. But I know it isn't healthy. I just I can't take the mental breakdowns that happen. Dad, you call me and ask me what's the matter, the truth is I'm having either a mental breakdown or a panic attack. I hide this stuff from you because I don't want you to be ashamed of me, because I feel like most people already are. And when we get off the phone you don't know how much I cry. No one understands the Hell that I'm forced to go through everyday. Who knows, but I can't take it anymore. I don't know if I'm broken. Or if this life just isn't right for me. I just I don't want to disappoint you. I've tried doing like you tell me and tried to understand that I don't have to be the person everyone wants me to be, and I don't have to live up to others expectaions, but I just can't help it. In some ways it comes naturally. I know you've tried before. But you don't understand the shit I feel. And I don't tell you because you never ask. But I feel like I need to probably tell you.Whether you ask or not. And Dad, I'm going to have boyfriends. I can't help it.It comes naturally to me, but, I feel like if you'd meet my boyfriend now you'd really really like him. I mean I love him so that has to mean something, usually I just end up falling for either jerks or cheaters. And there's so much more I wish I could tell you but I don't think you have enough time to read it all so... I love you but it's time I let go to you father. Call me when you're ready. I love you. Goodbye. Not forever. Just for now. So you can get everything you need worked out. And one day I'll tell you about your "fake grandchildren." One day, one day we'll look back on this and say those were the times. But that day... isn't now.